Background
I worked at an event this week where I was asked if I would share my story to the 80 attendees about leaving behind my old job and starting over to follow my purpose.
I immediately declined that part as I hate public speaking and it usually triggers anxiety big time. However, I was reminded by my mentors about how far I had come on my journey and that my story would be an inspiration to others, particularly those in a similar position.
So I did it! I just stood up and spoke from the heart. And you know what...it went so well. I felt so motivated to speak and share my story.
So many people approached me afterwards to pick my brains about their situation and/or to thank me for speaking up and inspiring them to take actions. And that meant the world to me and was absolutely worth me pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
So here I am sharing my story for anyone who feels stuck doing a job they don't like, or at a crossroads. If you have any questions or want to pick my brains about your situation get in touch.
Pauline
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My story
I wasn’t one of those kids growing up who knew what they wanted to do when they left school. I really didn’t have a clue. I’m 47 now and I still don’t know what I want to do when I leave school haha.
I also always felt different from other people and never felt like I fitted in anywhere – I just didn’t think like others or connect with them well. I now know I am an empath and was definitely viewing the world differently from most of my peers but I didn’t know that at the time. I just assumed there was something wrong with me. I also suffered from anxiety since I was at school but I never ever told anyone at all until recently.
I applied to go to Uni and do Accountancy but when the time came to leave school, I knew that wasn’t the path for me. Also, the thought of going to Uni terrified me. So I decided to defer for a year, and get a job instead until I decided what I wanted to do.
I applied to Scottish Amicable who were based in Stirling. You were always held in high esteem if you got a job at ‘the Amicable’. I started there in July 1993 intending to stay for a year and decide on what I wanted to do. That year turned into 29 years!
I did various roles during my time there, including being TUPE’d to other companies 3 times but mostly working from the same base office Stirling. During that time I got married and had 2 beautiful daughters.
Working full time, as well as having 2 kids, a dog, a house to run and a husband who worked away for a few days every week was hard work to keep all those plates spinning. But I became super organised and methodical and had a system in place to keep it all running to plan! At least in my head that is what I was doing. Looking back now I had so much unhealed trauma from events that happened in my mid-teens, and coupled with my anxiety, I had a need for perfectionism and control.
Over the years I worked really hard, and I done extra qualifications, worked overtime, took on extra projects etc. I just wanted to be successful and recognised as doing a good job. I also felt I needed to make my parents proud (even when they had passed away).
I felt certain my life would get better/easier when I got the next promotion or moved up to the next salary banding, get a bigger house etc. But when I got there, I was still not happy and thought maybe the next level would make me happier. Sound familiar?
For about the last 13 years I worked in Fraud/Financial Crime. That was a really interesting specialism, and I developed a passion for it. By that time I worked for an outsourcing company whose key aims was to keep costs low and it felt like the norm to end up doing several peoples jobs for no extra money!
At a senior level in the specialised area I worked I would say the majority of staff were male too. So I felt I had to fight that bit harder to deserve my place and recognition. My ego wouldn’t let me be seen as having any weakness, including having a family.
Like a lot of businesses in that sector, it became so tightly regulated that it became more about ticking boxes for compliance, than it was about our customers. That didn’t mix well with trying to keep costs to a minimum and my job became a constant fight between costs and doing the right thing.
By that time my stress levels were really high, and I hated my job. But I felt trapped as I needed to keep my current level of salary. I thought about leaving to go elsewhere, but I had friends who worked for other companies, and they seemed just the same, only I’d have the added stress of a commute too. So I decided I would just have to put up with it and get on with my life.
One day I was at a Financial Crime conference in London and we were ‘networking’ after it and as I looked around the room I thought ‘WTF am I doing here, I don’t belong here’. For the first time that sense of not belonging was not my ego telling me I wasn’t good enough. It was factual - I didn’t belong there. I was standing in a room bursting with ego (most of the people were male) all bragging about job titles, being chairman of this committee, of being on that board, of designing XYZ software. That was the start of my ‘awakening’.
I started to question everything after that. Most people I knew in the company hated their job. I questioned why were we all going to work to pay for a house that we weren’t in as we were at work, paying for a car to take us to work and sit in car park all day, and wishing our lives away for Fridays and annual leave. There had to be more to life than that right?
I remember mentioning it to some friends and one of them replied ‘but that’s just what you do innit. No one likes their job, but you go, you do what you need to, you get paid and that’s just life’. I couldn’t accept that! There had to be more to life.
I had a few medical ailments at the time, and my kids were struggling with anxiety. I hate the ‘take these pills’ approach of my GP and decided to find holistic ways to manage my conditions. I did yoga and that was amazing – finally being able to switch my brain off for a whole hour to focus on what I was doing and not fall over. I did my Reiki I training to help with anxiety then I did Reiki II so I could help others. I will add that I was not on any sort of spiritual path during those times but I just felt drawn to it and so I went with it. I set up my own business doing Reiki treatment in the evenings after my day job. That continued until we went into lockdown.
I plodded on for a couple of years questioning everything and feeling at a loss what to do, and going around in a vicious circle.
Last year at my company they were offering Voluntary Severance to some areas. I asked our manager if our team would be affected and was told not to worry as our specialised area was absolutely out of scope. He thought that would reassure me and make me happy but it had the opposite effect - I realised I had to get out. Having been there for nearly 29 years I wanted the money I was due as I knew that would give me more options.
I had no idea what I would do after I left but I just knew I had to leave and do something different. There was no point going to another company to deal with the same shit with a different company name on my payslip.
So I set to manifesting and visualising leaving. And sure enough after a few months I was made an offer to leave which I grabbed with both hands. In March last year I logged off my laptop for the last time and haven’t looked back since.
I had a couple of months off whilst I had a think about what to do next. The coaching course with Lifeheal came up and I felt drawn to doing that so I signed up. I knew when I was doing it that coaching wasn’t for me, however, it did make me realise I needed help. So I worked with Erica getting some coaching/CBT to finally deal with all my trauma stuff. And that is where my life turned around and my purpose began to become apparant.
I did the Massage course with Lifeheal last July and immediately connected with it. It felt so natural and I just loved it. I reopened my business in August doing Massage and Reiki. I initially worked out my spare bedroom then built a log cabin in my back garden. I started a part time job with a local charity, 3 days a week, in October last year and worked there until February. By that time my number of clients was increasing and it was too much to manage both. So I had to make the decision on what had to give - I took the plunge, resigned and went full time self-employed.
Since that time I have trained in several other modalities and I love it. I am making a difference to people’s health and their lives. I haven’t had to do any real form of advertising as word of mouth has been my biggest helper. Seeing the change in my clients from when they arrive to when they leave is amazing, and I know I am doing the right thing.
Yes, I earn less money than I did in my old job - I have cut down on unnecessary spending and cut my cloth accordingly. What I have lost in money I have gained in health and happiness. I have very little stress and I love what I do. And I get on so well with my new boss and our team meetings are great hahahaha.
I know many of you will be feeling in a similar place, at a crossroads and unsure what to do. I hope hearing my story today will inspire you and reassure you that all hope is not lost – you too can follow your heart and make the changes you deserve!
Pauline
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